I just cut my nipple shaving
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
