i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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