I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I think my moral compass just broke
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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