please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I deserve this hangover.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
