it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
