if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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