i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
