do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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