I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
