I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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