so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Sober January is a disaster.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
