Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
