Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
