he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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