I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
