Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
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