Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
