the condom got lost in my hair
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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