ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
