So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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