you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
