So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
