were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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