I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
