I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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