He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
