Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
