I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
