YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
