They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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