No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
