I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
