oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
