When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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