Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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