I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
