youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
The beer is more important than you right now.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
