he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
