Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
