i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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