Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
