my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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