I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
