They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
