Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
