so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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