My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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