i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
