I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
