he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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