How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I wish there were birth control emojis
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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