i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
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