You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
