so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
