in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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