That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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